“Your future hasn’t been written yet. No one’s has. Your future is whatever you make it, so make it a good one.”
The wise words of Doctor Emmett Lathrop Brown at the conclusion of the Back to the Future Trilogy have always resonated with me, even though I was only two years old when Back to the Future Part III released in 1990. Throughout the trilogy, the characters of Doc Brown and Marty McFly grapple with the consequences of the choices they and other characters make while desperately trying to preserve the timeline so that no universe-ending time paradoxes occur. Or is it the choices they and other characters have made? Or will make? Or will have made? Time travel is tricky business, both scientifically and grammatically.
During their time journey, both Doc and Marty have experiences and make decisions that ultimately change their futures for the better, thus echoing Doc’s words at the end of the trilogy. As someone who was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease (CKD) at age 14 and then end-stage renal disease (ESRD) when I began dialysis at age 21, it was easy for me, especially during those seemingly never-ending treatments, to believe that my future had been written by my disease with zero input from myself. But I could not let that mindset prevail because then I would have ceded control of my life to my disease. End-stage renal disease or not, my future could still be what I made it, and even though it would probably never be perfect or ideal, I could still make it a good one, just like Doc said.
Reflecting on the fifteen years I have lived with ESRD, I can pinpoint certain moments that, had I access to a time-traveling DeLorean, I would go back and make different choices. I am not going to say that I am proud of every choice I have made. There are particular decisions, both directly and indirectly related to my ESRD, that still leave me wondering how my life would have unfolded had I chosen differently. But I do not have access to a time-traveling DeLorean, so dwelling on past decisions, and even past mistakes, does nothing to benefit my present, nor will it improve my future. All I can do is learn from those past decisions and mistakes to make the most informed decisions I can now so that my future is better. That is easier said than done, of course. But it can be done.
I am currently living with my second kidney transplant, which I received on November 25th, 2023. I was hesitant to go back on the transplant list after I lost my first kidney transplant to recurrent focal segmental glomerulosclerosis in September 2014. The main reason why I was hesitant was fear. I was afraid of losing another kidney, and of having to go back on dialysis yet again. But after nine years, I finally accepted that if I were to ever have another chance at living without dialysis, my only opportunity would be to try for a second kidney transplant. I am so glad I did because this past April, I flew to Chile and Easter Island (native name Rapa Nui) for nine days, which was a huge bucket list item of mine.
Watching the sun set behind the Moai at Ahu Tahai, admiring the incredible view of the island from the top of the Rano Kao caldera, and taking in the splendor of the Pacific Ocean were all moments that I would not have been able to experience had I allowed fear to stop me from getting a second kidney transplant. Granted, it would have been easier to get to Chile and Rapa Nui if I had a flying DeLorean, but flying commercial worked just fine. More legroom though, please.
Is it possible that I will lose this transplant as well? Yes. No matter what I do, and no matter what decisions I make, the shadow of ESRD will always loom over me. But I cannot cower in fear under that shadow. We, as patients with CKD, cannot cower in fear under that shadow. If we do, then our futures begin to be written by our disease instead of ourselves, and our disease does not want us to go to the future. It wants to keep us in the past. So, our collective response to our disease needs to be, to quote the final line Doc says in the trilogy, “Nope. Already been there.”
Phil Minnich is a 36-year-old teacher living in Bethlehem, PA. He was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease at age 14, and End Stage Renal Disease at age 21. He received his first kidney transplant on May 29th 2013 at age 25, and his second kidney transplant on November 25th 2023 at age 35. Phil enjoys sharing his story with his fellow renal patients, as well as speaking with anyone who is interested in learning more about living with dialysis and ESRD. Phil hopes that his story can serve as inspiration to anyone who is dealing with dialysis and ESRD. Life does not end with dialysis; do not let it prevent you from living.
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